Thursday, December 20, 2012

Bottom 5: Movies Released in 2012 (The Drive Awards)

As of December 20th I have seen 67 movies released in 2012 according to Letterboxd, of which three were definitely TV movies and one was seen in 2011 and will not be considered for these end of year review posts.
I'll start my end of year movie recap by taking a look at the movies I actively disliked. In an attempt to avoid negativity and endless criticism I would like to point out that whilst these are not necessarily the worst movies of the year by any stretch of the imagination these are those five special films that I hoped for more from and was sorely disappointed.

I think it was last year that Drive killed my enthusiasm for cinema and in some ways this list could be called The Drive Awards AKA Man! I Hated This Movie. 

5. The Watch Dir. Akiva Schaffer

So much comedic potential gone to waste with this film, my expectations weren't too high but I did expect to laugh more frequently than I did. Easily the worst comedy of the year for me simply because of who was in it. I'm sure a Rob Schneider would have been a thousand times worse but then I would never watch one of his movies ever again so obviously it can't be nominated.

4. Savages Dir. Oliver Stone

I loved the book and hated the movie, there's a little bit of book reader disappointment involved in my disdain for the latest Oliver Stone mess but that aside I would have expected more from an Oliver Stone movie featuring lots of violence, such as being entertained not put to sleep. I make my plea once more, Mr Stone please find a way to remove Hollywood's dick from your ass or quietly retire from making films.

3. Dark Knight Rises Dir. Christopher Nolan

For so long this was my least favourite movie experience of the year. I know I am in the minority and that so many people orgasmed over its "brilliance" but I had so many problems with this tired and obvious movie (I don't even count plot holes as an issue, before that criticism starts here) from the second the plane was hijacked and they've only been magnified over time. It's certainly not worse than Birdemic or The Room or whatever because Nolan actually has talent but it certainly made me hate cinema for a while.

2. Total Recall 2012 Dir. Len Wiseman

I guess you could say that I expected something from this film, I didn't expect it to live up to the original or even the Philip K. Dick source story but I did expect to enjoy myself a little. Afterall it's a sci-fi chase story with lots of violence. And that expectation is what saves this from being my worst film of the year. Don't get me wrong, this movie has absolutely nothing going for it, it stinks from start to finish as discussed during the live twitter review but perhaps I wouldn't have hated it so much if it had a different title. Perhaps. Of course, if I'd waited another fortnight before watching the winner of the award there would have been nothing for this disaster to hide behind.

1. Taken 2 Dir. Olivier Megaton

It made a late run for it and scored big time. Man I hated this movie.To celebrate, here is my full review:
Holy shit snacks that was bad! Taken 2 has done what I never thought was possible, made me reconsider just how bad Total Recall 2012 was; compared to this steaming pile of nonsense it just might be considered an OK movie.
Perhaps my memory isn't so hot or I'm looking through rose-tinted glasses but I felt certain that whilst the first movie wasn't great it was a decent revenge thriller that featured Liam Neeson kicking so much ass in a series of well directed set pieces.
This one was mean spirited, derisive, clichéd, convoluted, slow, boring, un-thrilling, stupid, senseless, pointless, messy, exposition filled, racist, badly directed, horribly written, disastrously performed, and unnecessary.
My favourite parts: the directors name is Megaton and I couldn't get the movie title Giant Bay versus Megaton out of my head. Two painful directors, one movie, no survivors.
Also there's a moment in the first 30 minutes of nothing happening when Neeson gets given a brown envelope by some oil rich sheikh he was protecting, he opens it has a little chuckle to himself and puts it in his jacket never to mention it again. I can only assume that it was a moment of realisation that the large cheque received for starring in this worthless piece of shit sequel possibly wasn't worth it and he would be sacking his agent pretty sharpish.

What are your nominations for The Drive Awards? How often do you find yourself saying "Man, I Hate this Movie"? Who wants to be the first to defend Dark Knight Rises?


  1. The only one I've seen here is Dark Knight Rises, and it probably doesn't surprise you that I agree it was a disappointing slog. It really doesn't take much to clear the blockbuster bar these days. My candidate for worst film of the year, that I actually finished watching: Pirahna 3DD.

    1. You do have admirable self control when it comes to not watching Hollywood's output. I'm quite surprised that you even gave Piranha 3DD a go, doesn't scream Bonjour Tristesse when I look at the premise.

    2. I do get around to seeing most of the big films, I just don't blog about them. As for Piranha, I did enjoy the 2010 remake by Alexandre Aja, so I was hoping for something along those lines.

  2. Count me in as another person disappointed in The Dark Knight Rises. My colleagues think I'm just nit-picking and disliking something because it's popular.

    However, The Dark Knight Rises is one of those movies where it all flies by when you're watching it. Then when you leave the cinema, you start thinking about how stupid it is that Batman can re-enter the 'heavily guarded, ice over' Gotham, or that Bane's death is a complete anti-climax or how about JGL being able to spot who Bruce Wayne is just because they're orphans.

    In a film like Avengers, stuff like that is fine because it's a comic book movie, so I can separate the two worlds. Nolan prides himself on how 'realistic' his Batman series is, yet everything is so coincidental and goofy. You can't have it both ways, Chris.

    Only Prometheus was more disappointing than TDKR, for me anyway.

    1. Oh I totally agree with your points there Ben and Prometheus came very close to being on this list. It's all surface but no substance approach to intelligent science fiction left me very disappointed but I took more pleasure from it's visuals and its existence than I did any of these 5.

      The other major film that I considered adding to this list was Brave but I still quite enjoyed it compared to The Watch despite it being the second least enjoyable Pixar movie so far and a total waste of having a supposedly strong female protagonist.

    2. I agree with Brave too.

      To me, it felt like a Disney princess film and not a Pixar animation. However, my little sisters really loved it so maybe it's an issue of connecting with the lead character?

      Anyway, I enjoyed your post and I can't disagree with any of the films included!

    3. Yeah i get it, but all other Pixars felt inclusive with Brave being for little girls only.

      Thanks for the positive feedback btw

  3. I actually enjoyed Piranha 3DD - it was stupid, yes, but it was a good transportation back to the ridiculousness of B-movies.

    And no mention of Prometheus? WHY, DUDE, WHY?

    I think at this point you already know my simmering hatred towards The Dark Knight Rises. Every film I've seen after it this year in the summer has had the tagline of, "Well, I hope this isn't as bad as The Dark Knight Rises."

    Surprisingly, every film I've seen after that in the cinema hasn't been (On the Road, The Hobbit - which by dear God I'll defend until the ends of time, it was really enjoyable fun -, Holy Motors - though that was definitely overrated to the point of ridiculousness).

    I also had no idea anyone had actually seen The Watch besides me and the ol' boyfriend. I'm not sure if it was because I was in a bit of a Dazed and Confused land at the time, but I did enjoy it! It wasn't as bad as the Rotten Tomatoe reader likes to think it is, at least.

    As for the other films on the list, I, as of yet, haven't had the chance to experience their terribleness, but only time will tell.

    Great list, either way!

    1. Cherokee you're back! Hardly any of this surprises me about you to be honest. Having time for a boyfriend probably surprises me the most.

      You know I was disappointed with Prometheus, and I loved your video swearfest (more please) but despite all its faults the visual beauty saved it from making this list, I didn't hate it completely like I did these 5.

      Of course I saw The Watch, the second I saw Richard Ayoade on the poster it was never in question. Not being in the same frame of mind as you and the fella at any point in my life ever probably means I was the wrong audience for this one.

      Now then, The Hobbit, you seem sensible enough so I shall have to look for a review from you or ask you to come back and explain yourself.

      I actually realised that I had overlooked two films that could easily have made this list - Liberal Arts should have been #3 for example and Frankenweenie just might have edged out place #5. So many bad movies get made and I can't stay away from them.

  4. Total Recall all the way. Worst theatrical experience I've had in years. TDKR is an interesting choice, as it's one of the BEST movie experiences I've had this year. :)

    1. I know, that's the controversial one. It wasn't even the bazillion plot holes that ruined it for me like it did for others. I just plain didn't like it for all its overdone blockbusterness and obvious metaphors and flag waving and the Grid Iron scene. It's a totally personal reaction to it of course.

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