Monday, November 19, 2012

Expendables UK Announced

The week on blahblahblahgay gets kicked off in style with the greatest idea I ever had. Expendables UK. For the rest of the week we're taking a look at the stars of Expendables UK and the history of the genre but first let me introduce you to the movie event of 2014.

I'm pretty sick of American action movies. Generally they're awful. Occasionally they're good fun. Mostly they're all about the stars and stripes and being the greatest country on Earth and blah blah blah. American cinema loves to paint the Yanks as the saviours of the world in the name of their  God. My team are going to do it for The Queen.

The Expendables UK is the greatest idea in the history of the world. It takes Stallone's bunch of meatheads saving the planet idea and adds some genuine tough as old boots, hard as nails, built like a brick shithouse, nobody throws bloody spears at me, British steel at it. Honestly, who wouldn't want to watch this movie? I'd be front of the queue and I doubt I'd be alone at midnight waiting for that first screening.

Some of you may have some doubts, afterall it seems to be common knowledge that The Poms, The Limeys, The Brits, Les Ros Boeuf needed saving in the last two world wars, have bad teeth and don't really like a fight when all is said and done. But I'd like to intrduce you to their secret weapon: Raymond Andrew Winstone.

As the leader of this ragtag group of proud British men he likes nothing more than to call someone a slag before kicking the shit out of them. None of this poncing around in tight slightly darker black t-shirts for him, no automatic weapons, he'll take some batteries in a sock in to battle and still win. The man that Jason Statham wishes he was, he takes no prisoners.
Notable appearances as a guy who'll happily knock you out as soon as look at you: The Sweeney, Scum.

Where would Stallone be without Jason Statham to do all the running? Picard without Riker? Peas without carrots? Ray Winstone also has the need for a chief lieutenant, a number two, someone to calm him down when he's maimed too many slags in one scene. And that man is Terence Henry Stamp

The old campaigner, he's been there, seen it, nicked half a dozen t-shirts and spent some time inside. His experience is the key to the group, knowing when to hold off and when to go in full bricks blazing. Not afraid to get stuck in himself, he's been known to go on a personal mission to hunt down those that have wronged him. Again his major weapon is his hands but equally deadly with a pistol.
Notable appearances as a take no prisoners hardman with a brain: The Limey, The Hit.

The Americans needed to outsource their hand to hand combat expert to China but Ray Winstone's boys wouldn't need to look beyond the Emerald Isle for their man, one William John Neeson.

Overshadowed by others for quite some time he has emerged in recent times to be known for his name taking abilities, making Jason Bourne look like a complete pansy he'll lay the smackdown on the massed ranks of villains then come back and do it all again without a new script.
Notable occasions when found to defeat multiple bad guys with his little finger: Taken, Darkman.

Every lockup that houses illicit meetings of dangerous villains will need their bloody doors blown off and whilst Randy Couture essentially takes up space on the plane the Brits have a man of few words but a head tougher than a Soviet-era Russian tank, Mr Vincent Peter Jones.

He'd rather beat your senseless with a big dildo than exchange pleasantries but when it comes blowing holes in shit Vinnie is your man, even going so far as to use his head on occasion.
Notable hole making appearances: X-Men 3, Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels

Combat stress brought Lundgren to his knees via alcohol and drug abuse, on his day he'll stumble over all kinds of words with a strong accent but he sure knows how to kill someone but compared to who The Limey mercenaries have on their team he's a bit of a lightweight. Daniel Michael Blake Day-Lewis is the next member of the team.

Incredibly handsome, insanely talented, wearer of some of the greatest facial hair ever to be committed to the screen; he works sparingly, only going out on the really important missions but when he does the bad guys had better watch out as there's nobody quite so impressive and nobody as violent. Give him a brick, give him a bowling pin, give him one fist tied behind his back and still you better have all of the luck in the world to escape your fate.
Notable moments destroying faces: Gangs of New York, There Will Be Blood

Mickey Rourke is a scary looking arms dealer and tattoo parlour owner but I think you'll agree that even the meek and retiring Brits can provide weapons to their troops with the best of them. Please meet Ian McShane.

Violent yet charismatic and very twisted he's a big man who won't take any shit and can even obtain a fair few girls to pass the time with in between missions.
Notable shopkeeper who won't tolerate sticky fingers roles: Deadwood, 44 Inch Chest

Every good movie needs the token black guy right Terry Crews? The English are open minded on the subject but still they have Idris Elba on their team.

Intelligent yet powerful, charismatic yet violent he's also the only black guy in the bar.
Notable appearances where "race isn't an issue": RocknRolla, The Losers

I know you can't compete with the sheer colossus that is Arnie and so do The Poms, instead they have their own semi-retired mercenary ready to save the day at a moments notice, Maurice Joseph Micklewhite.

Suave, sophisticated, a real ladies man and unafraid of a tight situation, he's regularly found mentoring the younger members of Team Winstone. In his day he could take a beating and keep on coming but now it's harder to get up in the mornings.
Just a handful of notable appearances: Get Carter, Ipcress File, Harry Brown

Bruce Willis probably has the best catchphrase of the entire Expendable team, as the official government liaison with the unofficial mercenary team he's not afraid to get his hands dirty. Neither is my distant relative Leonard Gary Oldman.

Less reliant on catchphrases he's known for being a tough sonofabitch and playing both sides of the fence simultaneously and leaving you never knowing quite what side of sane he is on.
Notable moments of ruthless violence and immaculate organisation: Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy,  Leon

They'd all be dead if it wasn't for him, the lone wolf himself, Chuck Norris. Incomparable. But then so is Commander James Bond 00 Agent. Both legends, both immortal.

Obviously this is just the cast for the first movie. Danny Dyer is chomping at the bit for his part as "The Next Generation of Expendable" for example. And I stopped short of forming a team of villains, I thought you slags out there reading might wanna make some suggestions. Who do you think would be man enough to take on this group of manly men? My money is on Christian Bale. 


  1. Now that is a line-up I would definitely see. Except for Danny Dyer though I have no idea who he is other than those impressions Mark Kermode made about him on his show.

    1. Youve never seen a Danny Dyer movie? Hes definitely allowed himself to be typecast. I think Human Traffic was the last time he was 'normal'

  2. Haha, brilliant. Better actors every one, but in a brawl, my money is on the other guys.

    1. Sure the other guys have bazookas but what good is a rocket in a knife fight? These guys specialise in fighting dirty!

  3. Sign me up! Oh, Clive Owen would be a great addition too.

    1. I considered him from Croupier and I'll Sleep When I'm Dead but I'd really like to see Clive Owen as a bad guy in this movie I think.

  4. I love this idea, and not a Danny Dyer in sight!!!!

  5. Replies
    1. You got me, I didn't even consider Tom Hardy but could you imagine him and Clive Owen as a couple of bad guys intent on putting poor old mums out of their homes to sell their bodies and deal drugs? I don't think Ray Winstone could contain himself through all the rage.