2013 So Far (Sep - Dec) Bottom 5 2013 Releases

My roundup of the third segment of 2013 continues with a look at the worst the year has offered me so far.  Having seen a scandalous 65 releases from 2013 the field was quite competitive, here are the five films I've enjoyed the least:

5. How I Live Now - Dir. Kevin Macdonald

4. Runner Runner - Dir. Brad Furman

3. Turbo - Dir. David Soren

2. Ass Backwards - Dir. Chris Nelson

1. The Hangover Part III - Dir. Todd Phillips

Full list of 2013 movies seen Sep - Dec: Kick-Ass 2, World War Z, Oxyana, Monster's University, The Bling Ring, Burton & Taylor, The Hangover Part III, This is the End, A Single Shot, Rewind This!, Privacy Setting, After Earth, Dead in Tombstone, An Accidental Soldier, The Internship, Ain't Them Bodies Saints, Ass Backwards, Paradise, Man of Steel, White House Down, All is Bright, Crystal Fairy, Some Girl(s), Violet & Daisy, Gravity, Despicable Me 2, Turbo, This is Martin Bonner, Riddick, Earthbound, Blue Caprice, The To-Do List, We're The Millers, McCanick, Mystery Road, The East, The World's End, 2 Guns, The Wolverine, How I Live Now, The Kings of Summer, Elysium, Frances Ha, Prisoners, Machete Kills, Big Sur, A Case of You, The Last Days on Mars, Kilimanjaro, Mood Indigo, Runner Runner, Out of the Furnace, Blue Jasmine, Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2, The Spectacular Now, Don Jon, Fruitvale Station, Much Ado About Nothing, August: Osage County, Escape Plan, Rush, American Hustle, Computer Chess, Burma

2013 So Far (May - Aug) Bottom 5 2013 Releases

My roundup of the second third of 2013 continues with a look at the worst the year has offered me so far.  Having seen a scandalous 64 releases from 2013 the field was quite competitive, here are the five films I've enjoyed the least so far:

5. Olympus Has Fallen - Dir. Antoine Fuqua

4.  Epic - Dir. Chris Wedge

3. I Give It A Year - Dir. Dan Mazer

2. A Glimpse Inside The Mind of Charles Swan III - Dir. Roman Coppola

1. Die Hard 5 - Dir.  John Moore

So many awful movies coming out of Hollywood this year, I've been torturing myself in the hope that one of them will entertain me but it's so rare these days. It's as though they're determined to make the worst movie possible at all times, some other notably bad movies highlighted below.

Full list of 2013 releases seen May - Aug: I Give It a Year, A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III, Parker, Star Trek Into Darkness, Broken City, A Good Day to Die Hard, The Place Beyond the Pines, Snitch, Bullet to the Head, Broken, Gimme the Loot, Behind the Candelabra, The Call, Stoker, Burt Wonderstone, Rapture-Palooza, Phantom, Mud, Odd Thomas, Penthouse North, Spring Breakers, Olympus Has Fallen, Redemption, The Croods, Off World, Pictures of Superheroes, A Field in England, The Fifth Season, GI Joe 2, Fast 6, Trance, Trash and Progress, Supporting Characters, White Reindeer, Europa Report, Pawn Shop Chronicles, Lunarcy!, Pacific Rim, Night Train to Lisbon, Only God Forgives, Rock Jocks, Oblivion, Klip, The Act of Killing, Before Midnight, More Than Honey, Drinking Buddies, The Lifeguard, Magic Magic, The Canyons, Byzantium, Touchy Feely, Epic, Laurence Anyways, The Heat, The Iceman, Pain & Gain, Clear History, A Teacher, The Look of Love, Empire State, Now You See Me, Prince Avalanche

Agree? Disagree? What's your least favourite film of 2013 so far? Comment below or tweet @bbbgtoby with #2013worst 

2013 So Far (Jan - Apr) Bottom 5 2013 Releases

My roundup of the first third of 2013 continues with a look at the worst the year has offered me so far.  I have seen a healthy enough 21 releases from 2013, here are the five films I've enjoyed the least so far:

5. Gangster Squad - Dir. Ruben Fleischer

4. Sushi Girl - Dir. Kern Saxton

3. The Brass Teapot - Dir. Ramaa Mosley

2. Java Heat - Dir. Conor Allyn

1. Freaky Deaky - Dir. Charles Matthau

Agree? Disagree? What's your least favourite film of 2013 so far? Comment below or tweet @bbbgtoby with #2013worst

Bottom 5: Movies Released in 2012 (The Drive Awards)

As of December 20th I have seen 67 movies released in 2012 according to Letterboxd, of which three were definitely TV movies and one was seen in 2011 and will not be considered for these end of year review posts.
 
I'll start my end of year movie recap by taking a look at the movies I actively disliked. In an attempt to avoid negativity and endless criticism I would like to point out that whilst these are not necessarily the worst movies of the year by any stretch of the imagination these are those five special films that I hoped for more from and was sorely disappointed.

I think it was last year that Drive killed my enthusiasm for cinema and in some ways this list could be called The Drive Awards AKA Man! I Hated This Movie. 

5. The Watch Dir. Akiva Schaffer

So much comedic potential gone to waste with this film, my expectations weren't too high but I did expect to laugh more frequently than I did. Easily the worst comedy of the year for me simply because of who was in it. I'm sure a Rob Schneider would have been a thousand times worse but then I would never watch one of his movies ever again so obviously it can't be nominated.

4. Savages Dir. Oliver Stone

I loved the book and hated the movie, there's a little bit of book reader disappointment involved in my disdain for the latest Oliver Stone mess but that aside I would have expected more from an Oliver Stone movie featuring lots of violence, such as being entertained not put to sleep. I make my plea once more, Mr Stone please find a way to remove Hollywood's dick from your ass or quietly retire from making films.

3. Dark Knight Rises Dir. Christopher Nolan

For so long this was my least favourite movie experience of the year. I know I am in the minority and that so many people orgasmed over its "brilliance" but I had so many problems with this tired and obvious movie (I don't even count plot holes as an issue, before that criticism starts here) from the second the plane was hijacked and they've only been magnified over time. It's certainly not worse than Birdemic or The Room or whatever because Nolan actually has talent but it certainly made me hate cinema for a while.

2. Total Recall 2012 Dir. Len Wiseman

I guess you could say that I expected something from this film, I didn't expect it to live up to the original or even the Philip K. Dick source story but I did expect to enjoy myself a little. Afterall it's a sci-fi chase story with lots of violence. And that expectation is what saves this from being my worst film of the year. Don't get me wrong, this movie has absolutely nothing going for it, it stinks from start to finish as discussed during the live twitter review but perhaps I wouldn't have hated it so much if it had a different title. Perhaps. Of course, if I'd waited another fortnight before watching the winner of the award there would have been nothing for this disaster to hide behind.

1. Taken 2 Dir. Olivier Megaton

It made a late run for it and scored big time. Man I hated this movie.To celebrate, here is my full review:

Holy shit snacks that was bad! Taken 2 has done what I never thought was possible, made me reconsider just how bad Total Recall 2012 was; compared to this steaming pile of nonsense it just might be considered an OK movie.

Perhaps my memory isn't so hot or I'm looking through rose-tinted glasses but I felt certain that whilst the first movie wasn't great it was a decent revenge thriller that featured Liam Neeson kicking so much ass in a series of well directed set pieces.
This one was mean spirited, derisive, clichéd, convoluted, slow, boring, un-thrilling, stupid, senseless, pointless, messy, exposition filled, racist, badly directed, horribly written, disastrously performed, and unnecessary.

My favourite parts: the directors name is Megaton and I couldn't get the movie title Giant Bay versus Megaton out of my head. Two painful directors, one movie, no survivors.

Also there's a moment in the first 30 minutes of nothing happening when Neeson gets given a brown envelope by some oil rich sheikh he was protecting, he opens it has a little chuckle to himself and puts it in his jacket never to mention it again. I can only assume that it was a moment of realisation that the large cheque received for starring in this worthless piece of shit sequel possibly wasn't worth it and he would be sacking his agent pretty sharpish.

What are your nominations for The Drive Awards? How often do you find yourself saying "Man, I Hate this Movie"? Who wants to be the first to defend Dark Knight Rises?

Bottom Fives: Dustin Hoffman Movies

Dustin Hoffman has been nominated for an Oscar seven times, made his film debut in 1967 and has hardly taken a break since. His quietest period in terms of cinematic output was the 1980's making only four movies (and one TV movie) yet still he was nominated for two Oscars (Tootsie and Rain Man.) In the past week we have seen powerful performances from him in Marathon Man and Midnight Cowboy and The Graduate is on it's way thanks to Quickflix.

I've often said he hasn't made a bad movie but then I remember struggling with Ishtar, clearly everyone makes mistakes, and so now I bring you the five Dustin Hoffman movies you should probably avoid.

1. Ishtar (1987) Dir. Elaine May

I've already mentioned it and so I  won't save it for last. Before I'd heard of this movie I found it in a legitimate DVD store on sale by the dozen for 99p, I took one look and thought hell yeah (voice in the back of my head saying "there must be something wrong with it if it's only 99p") Warren Beatty and Dustin Hoffman in something sounding somewhat like a Moroccan Some Like It Hot.

Ishtar is a famous cinematic bomb costing $50m and taking only $14m. So what happened? The film is nearly two hours long and is largely dull with a few good comic moments. Roger Ebert hated it, calling the film "truly dreadful" and he has a point considering how much money it cost for 1987 and the calibre of the stars Beatty and Hoffman.

I recently bought the Peter Biskind biography of Warren Beatty - Star - and it contains a section on the disaster that was the production of Ishtar. Highly entertaining reading which was also published here.

2. Agatha (1979) Dir. Michael Apted

Maybe I'm alone in thinking that novels about the fictional secret lives of famous writers are a waste of paper, but the adapting them in to a movie as well, well that's just cynical. I'm not even thinking about such high concept thrillers as the recent John Cusack Edagar Allen Poe pseudo-biopic The Raven here because it's not aiming for realism. In Agatha the film makers recreate a period of time in the authors life where she was actually missing for eleven days, Christie refused to discuss it whilst alive and had only died two years prior to this film being made.

The scenario itself is ripe for imaginations to run wild but what they came up with was a hotel room, a pseudonym and a romance with a journalist. I say don't bother.

3. Sphere (1998) Dir. Barry Levinson

I'm in the process of tracking down some more obscure Michael Crichton movies for a post on the popular author/scientist/director after watching the mostly entertaining if a bit slow Westworld recently. What I don't need is to see this movie ever again.

I admit to having read and thoroughly enjoyed the novel several times in my younger days and was actually quite excited at seeing the movie, especially with a cast supporting Hoffman that included Smauel L. Jackson and Liev Shrieber. There's so much that let this movie down but the real problem is that the tension is non existent in a movie that's supposed to be an underwater psychological sci-fi thriller. Everyone overacts. Everyone.


4. Perfume: The Story of a Murderer (2006) Dir. Tom Tykwer

Possibly the most controversial of my selections; it being a much loved novel, a box office success and retaining a realy high rating on imdb six years after release. But I have this to say on the subject, Perfume is two and a half hour long movie that looks nice and has confused everyone I have ever discussed it with.

5. Meet The Fockers (2004) Dir. Jay Roach

I tried and tried and tried to find Meet The Parents funny because people kept telling me it was and I didn't but the first sequel reached new depths of stupidity most notably because it reunited the stars of the largely unwatched Wag The Dog, two of the finest actors of all time, Robert De Niro and Dustin Hoffman, in a movie that specialises in toilet humour.

And that is why Meet The Fockers takes place five and not well meaning failures Family Business or Billy Bathgate.

Any suggestions for something I've overlooked? Do you have a different least favourite Dustin Hoffman movie? Who's going to be the first to disagree about Perfume?

Bottom Fives: Ewan McGregor Movies

Another round of 'great actor, bad movie' and this time inspired by my recent rediscovery of Shallow Grave I shall take a look at some of the terrible movies that feature Ewan McGregor.

I've had a soft spot for Ewan McGregor for quite a long time, he is Catcher Block from Down With Love to a certain extent; man's man, ladies man, man about town, people indentify with him which is what makes him so special.

Watching Shallow Grave it's hard to imagine that scrawny little kid would turn out to be a, largely, great actor. I'm not saying that he is faultless, or comparable to greats of the art form like Olivier or Pacino but he has been consistently impressive since 1994 in a series of smaller independent movies as well as making the jump to bigger Hollywood stuff.

Regular readers know of my preference for those small personal movies that make you think, over the shaking camera aesthetic paired with explosions and weak cliche that is so prevalent in Hollywood, but interestingly three of this five are not from America at all.

1. Rogue Trader (1999)


Co-starring somebody who I am going to have to turn my back on sooner rather than later, Anna Friel, this is a terrible, cliched, low budgeted biopic that sensationalised criminal financial behaviour and not in a good way. McGregor was actually believable as the type of character and put in an OK performance but I found the leap between reality and film to be way too big, there's no way Nick Leason was that charismatic.

2. Angels & Demons (2009)


I did actually watch this despite hating everything about the first Dan Brown book/movie. I was in the mood for something awful but this one just pushed it way too far, past so bad it's good and out the other side. By a country mile. I think everyone phoned in their performances for this movie. Have you seen Tom Hanks in anything recently? It killed his acting career.

3. Nightwatch (1997)


Riding high off his early success this disastrous generic remake of a Scandinavian crime movie has an incredible cast, but that's about all the positives I can draw on this one. Nick Nolte, Lauren 'Gilmore Girls' Graham, Brad Dourif, Josh Brolin, Patricia Arquette all feature, granted they mostly weren't that famous back then but still.

4. Eye of the Beholder (1999)


This movie stars Ashley Judd.

5. The Island (2005)


Oh come on, you've been coming around these parts for how long now? You surely didn't expect this steaming pile of Michael Bay to escape the list did you? The first half was great, the concept for the second half was great, the explosions, the hanging off of buildings, the helicopter crash, these things were not great.

Have I alienated any of you? Is there some fan of the original Danish version of Nightwatch who is going to tell me I was a little harsh on the remake? Got any suggestions for more terrible Ewan McGregor movies?

Bottom Fives: Phillip Seymour Hoffman Movies

As I had so much fun with last weeks list I thought I'd go again. This time Pig Vomit's partner in talented yet ugly acting circles, Mr Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

Everyone who cares about great acting loves PSH, his Oscar acceptance speech is one of my favourites and really says a lot about the quality of the man in addition to his acting. But even great men turn up in cinematic atrocities from time to time.

Or so I thought. This was really quite a difficult bottom five. Much more so than last weeks Paul Giamatti post.

1. Patch Adams


I shall bow to the superior wording of Roger Ebert on this one: "This movie is shameless. It's not merely a tearjerker. It extracts tears individually by liposuction, without anesthesia." On top of the obvious attempts to tug at the housewives heartstrings, I was really quite bored when I saw this one.

2. Along Came Polly


Salon.com used the line "for everyone who's been waiting for a love story between an anal retentive and a flake," which is perfect but aside from the terrible humour of yet another Aniston movie the acting from Stiller, Aniston (obviously) and sadly Hoffman is mediocre at best. Perhaps Hoffman's worst performance.

3. Flawless


A Joel Schumacher film. Pretty much tells you everything you need to know on this film. Even De Niro's most hardcore fans couldn't possibly defend the movie. You can see why Hoffman would have jumped at the role of a drag queen, it's one of those that real actors love but it's a shame he was swimming against a tide of awful.

4. Twister


I'm starting to clutch at straws here, I quite enjoyed this movie and so did a lot of reviewers. It's nothing special, it's not amazing AND most importantly it stars the indefensible over actor Bill Paxton BUT it's not on a par with Big Momma's House in terms of terribleness.

5. Red Dragon


This one really is an OK film, it's not great but it's OK. As a more faithful adaptation than the better Manhunter it's nice enough and Hoffman is good enough in it but really who would watch this more than once?

Clearly Hoffman has a near immaculate decision making process, only making the wrong choices rarely and in the case of Flawless he wasn't the star he is now. Agree? Disagree? Leave some blah below.

Bottom Fives: Paul Giamatti Movies

Tyler at Southern Vision recently posted a list of Paul Giamatti's best characters and the response from everyone seemed to be that he had left out every other Paul Giamatti movie.

So I thought why not try to find the movies where he was merely OK or downright awful. Is it even possible? Surely it's going to be easier than picking a mere five great performances from somebody whose body of work is extremely impressive? If you want a damned fine actor who isn't very good looking in modern Hollywood you go for Pig Vomit or PSH let's face it.

1. Thunderpants


Starting at the bottom, literally. A movie about a farting superhero that not even kids laughed at.

2. Fred Claus

From the bottom to the top, of the world. I saw it at the cinema, unable to resist the pairing of Giamatti and Vaughn but laughs were very few and far between and Giamatti actually felt miscast, his performance was so unlikable. Sorry Tyler, I know it was one of your favourites.

3. Big Momma's House


Ouch, this movie stinks, but Giamatti at least made for an OK straight man to Lawrence's goofball and praise must go to his agent for getting him out of the sequels.

4. Paycheck


Yes, it was Ben Affleck's biggest paycheck, pun definitely intended, but wow it's a giant yawnfest and nothing makes any sense at all.

5. Lady in the Water



OK, so I admit, I haven't seen it. I am what you might call a detractor, or Shyamalamalamalam's biggest un-fan, that's not a word. He's a giant one trick pony. I have seen all of the others for my sins but not even my affection for Paul Giamatti could make me feel like watching this film. So right at the end you probably find out that the lady in the water isn't a storybook character and infact everyone in the movie is a storybook character in her world. That's a guess. If you've seen the movie, how accurate am I?

Too harsh? Did I miss something awful? Leave your ideas in the blahs.